Sunday, January 27, 2008

Samuel Jacob Benedict

Samuel Jacob Benedict
Weight: 8 oz.
Length: 7”

Date: Jan. 22, 2008
Time: 12:50 p.m.
Blond hair
Blue eyes

Our baby boy, that I was carrying, died this week. He died on Monday, but I didn't deliver him until Tuesday after being in labor for two days. I was 5 months along and he was kicking, turning flips, etc. Now he is gone. I got to hold him until about 7:30 Tuesday night though. Then before they took him, we had him baptized. We had a memorial service for him Friday.

Samuel won’t actually be buried until March or April when the ground isn’t frozen, and all the newborn babies who have died at the hospital will be buried, and then they will have the graveside service. We will go to that one so that we will see where he is buried so we can visit him there. Yes, we could have bought him a plot of his own, but we don’t have the extra $4000.00 to do that. So, this way we had our own memorial and will still have the graveside service. I wish we had the extra money lying around, but this so wasn’t planned. I think Doug (my husband) did a very good job picking out songs, he had a picture of him printed and in a frame up front, they had nice little handout with his name and all…

As I told a friend of mine, I know that Samuel was here for a reason. I believe he must have been, though I don’t know why? But, even for the short time that he was with us, I am still glad that he was. And I think Satan thought that I am so weak that I would hate and turn away from God for taking him from me, but I don’t and won’t. Oh I am mad that he isn’t with me, and sad, and hurt, and disappointed, and even standing in the shower without him moving in my stomach, having my chest hurt from needing to nurse him, the cramping, bleeding…just like if I had given birth to him alive…it is all so hard, but I still don’t hate God for it.

I would rather have had him, and loved him, than not had Samuel at all.

I will think of Samuel every day, and I will always love him, I still want to have him to hold, love, and smell the sweet baby smell that I so love. I have Samuel’s little blanket that they had him wrapped in and gave me to keep, and it still smells like Samuel. I have it in a plastic bag to keep it safe. I take it out and breathe in the sweet, sweet smell of my baby. If I could bottle that smell up, I would, in a minute. But it does smell like my sweet baby boy, and I so love that.

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