Grandbaby #2 on the way!

Today is the day that we go to the hospital so that they can start inducing labor so that our 2nd oldest daughter, Sapphire, can have their baby boy. It was just a week ago today that I had, and lost, my baby boy Samuel. We will be at the same hospital, with the same nursing staff. That could make things so much easier, or harder, depending on how you look at it. You see, my son's heart stopped beating and we don't know why. I was only 5 months along with him. Kaden, my new grandson, will be full term though, and at his last ultrasound they were estimating that he weighs somewhere around 7.9 lbs. already. I am looking forward to holding him, and yet I know I will think of Samuel as well. So, for anyone reading this, if you could say a prayer that we will make it through this with a healthy new grandson, an easy delivery for our daughter (this is their first baby), and that nursing him will go well for her. And as for me...please pray that I will have the strength to be there physically and emotionally for them, and that I will do well mentally through this joyous and yet hard time.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies. Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think He sent me to you, then He changed his mind. You see, I am a special child, and I'm needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love. I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night. Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows. That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose. When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug, that's me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug. So daddy, please don't look so sad, momma don't you cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

By Claudette T. Allen

Samuel Jacob Benedict

Samuel Jacob Benedict
Weight: 8 oz.
Length: 7”

Date: Jan. 22, 2008
Time: 12:50 p.m.
Blond hair
Blue eyes

Our baby boy, that I was carrying, died this week. He died on Monday, but I didn't deliver him until Tuesday after being in labor for two days. I was 5 months along and he was kicking, turning flips, etc. Now he is gone. I got to hold him until about 7:30 Tuesday night though. Then before they took him, we had him baptized. We had a memorial service for him Friday.

Samuel won’t actually be buried until March or April when the ground isn’t frozen, and all the newborn babies who have died at the hospital will be buried, and then they will have the graveside service. We will go to that one so that we will see where he is buried so we can visit him there. Yes, we could have bought him a plot of his own, but we don’t have the extra $4000.00 to do that. So, this way we had our own memorial and will still have the graveside service. I wish we had the extra money lying around, but this so wasn’t planned. I think Doug (my husband) did a very good job picking out songs, he had a picture of him printed and in a frame up front, they had nice little handout with his name and all…

As I told a friend of mine, I know that Samuel was here for a reason. I believe he must have been, though I don’t know why? But, even for the short time that he was with us, I am still glad that he was. And I think Satan thought that I am so weak that I would hate and turn away from God for taking him from me, but I don’t and won’t. Oh I am mad that he isn’t with me, and sad, and hurt, and disappointed, and even standing in the shower without him moving in my stomach, having my chest hurt from needing to nurse him, the cramping, bleeding…just like if I had given birth to him alive…it is all so hard, but I still don’t hate God for it.

I would rather have had him, and loved him, than not had Samuel at all.

I will think of Samuel every day, and I will always love him, I still want to have him to hold, love, and smell the sweet baby smell that I so love. I have Samuel’s little blanket that they had him wrapped in and gave me to keep, and it still smells like Samuel. I have it in a plastic bag to keep it safe. I take it out and breathe in the sweet, sweet smell of my baby. If I could bottle that smell up, I would, in a minute. But it does smell like my sweet baby boy, and I so love that.

An Interesting Pregnancy So Far?

Well this pregnancy has proven to be an interesting pregnancy already and I am only 4 1/2 months along so far!! At first my hormone levels were too low, according to the doctor. Then at 13 weeks, much earlier than most, I got gestational diabetes. Generally this doesn't start until around the fifth or sixth month of pregnancy. I now have an OB doctor and a High Risk OB doctor. I see one or the other each week now. I also have to take insulin pills twice a day, and check my blood sugars 4X a day - before breakfast, lunch, dinner and at bedtime. I have to try to maintain my blood sugars to stay at 120 or less. This means poking my fingers each day to draw the drop of blood to put into the meter. At first my fingertips were all very sore, but I have now done it enough that they are toughening up. So far, I can take the insulin pill by mouth vs. the insulin shots in my stomach. With Sheyenne, our 8th biological baby, I had to use the insulin shots. This is the 4th time I have had gestational diabetes. The first time they caught it too late and so we didn't do anything specific for it. Then with our 7th baby, I was able to control my blood sugars with a religious diet. Then with our 8th child, I too started with the special diet, but then it went to insulin shots. This time they are trying out the pills first. I pray that I can keep using these. I really don't like giving myself shots in my stomach while I'm pregnant! I can deal with regular shots, IVs, etc., but there is something about giving yourself a shot in my stomach while being pregnant that is just hard for me. I don't know why for sure? I know that the needle won't stick the baby, but it still bothers me.
On top of this, we got a call from the doctor's office this week. They have done my Triple Screen tests twice now, and both times it came back saying it was positive for a baby with Down Syndrome. I was at a loss as to how to respond when they first called. I was in shock I guess. They asked if my throat was in my stomach? I guess that was a good way to put it?! I didn't even know what questions to ask them. She told me that the chances of a baby with Down Syndrome is 1 in 80. So part of me says, "Doesn't that mean that there are 79 babies that won't have it?" I don't know? They have me scheduled for a special 3-D ultrasound on Thursday of next week. They said that we will find out then for sure. There is some way to measure the fluid in the baby's neck that will tell us if the baby does or does not for sure. So, I have done a little research on the subject, but I don't also want to go overboard with it because God is still in control and maybe the baby won't have it, right??? If we have some information, I feel better equipped to make some sort of a game plan. They asked if our aborting the baby was an option for us. We both said no. We do not believe in abortion! They said that about 90% of couples finding out that they are having a baby with Down Syndrome will abort. We are not the average 90% then. If that is what God gives us, then we will love the baby, boy or girl, no matter what. But...I also think that I am in shock and don't want to believe this yet. I want to wait until after the ultrasound next week to really start coming to terms with it. I hope that's not wrong of me, but it is the best way that I know to cope right now with this possibility.

Makeover Home Edition anyone?

Kitchen After -----------------------------------Kitchen before

Have you ever watched the television show "Makeover Home Edition"? It's on ABC at 7:00 on Sunday evenings. I have been inspired so much by what this team of people do for some many families across the U.S. God has opened up so many doors for these people to get a house that they so desperately need for so many different reasons. Yes, Sears Department Stores are their biggest contributors, which in my book makes them a pretty special store (though a little pricy and we can't afford to shop there)! There is very seldom ever a time that we watch this show together as a family that one or all of us don't end up in tears at the awesomeness of what these people do on this show. There are so many wonderful, needy truly families out there, and it makes me see how much we are blessed with compared to how difficult it is for many families to survive. We have had several people ask us if we, with all of our children, living on one income, would mind if they turned our names in to Makeover Home Edition? Mind, no, of course not! But are we as truly needing and deserving as so many, many other families are? No, not even close! God has blessed us! Even having to live in an old house that is still currently in the restoring renovation process while we live there. Some days I get depressed and frazzled by the fact that there is so much to still do, it is cold in the house on many days (colder than we really like), the floors are in terrible shape, the walls almost all finally have drywall now, etc., not including the need to be taped, mudded, and painted. This all does not include that we need trim around the doors and windows, our bathroom completely working on the main floor (right now it has a toilet), windows in the living room and dining room that need to be replaced, a new roof (because it has just started leaking), a new septic system put in... And we are a family of 11 people living there, and this does not count the new baby our daughter is having, or our new baby! That will make 13 people in a 3 bedroom house! But, God has stretched me in ways that I swore I could never live with. I am by temperament a person who hates to have things half finished. I hate half done projects no matter what they are, but to live in one, that takes a lot for me personally. When my husband asked me what I needed to be able to move in to this house so that we could use the money to keep fixing up this one up, and not keep paying rent at another one, I wasn't sure what to say. After much thinking, I said that I needed a functioning kitchen and one bathroom that had a sink, shower and bathtub. Well I have this. It seemed like the most important things with having a large family, but I have to admit, sometimes I so wish the rest could be done, that the money would just appear and we could hire someone to finish the work 100%, but that is not realistic. I know that. And I know I am blessed beyond measure, but I will so be glad when our house is 100% finished, and Doug and I have our own bedroom space for just the two of us (and the baby of course), finished walls so I can hang up pictures, and so forth. Some day...but for now, I will take the blessings that I am given and choose to daily rejoice!