Sunday, February 17, 2008

A Year of Losses Already

There are times in some people's lives where they are faced with one loss, or a number of losses. This year, 2008, is one of those years for me. I walked into the New Year with high expectations for a really "great" year, and have had those balloons popped and the air deflated out of them so-to-speak.

Our baby son was found to have no heartbeat, and had died. This was on Monday the 21st of January. I was told that I would have to labor and deliver him as though he were alive though. They started the induction process, but I did not have him until Tuesday afternoon at 12:10. I held my tiny son, who smelled so sweet, had blue eyes and blond hair, tiny little perfectly formed feet and hands, tiny little knuckles, fingernails and toenails. I held him, kissed him, we took pictures of him, we named him, had him baptized, and had to say good-bye around 7:30 that night. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It has not been but 3 short weeks and 5 days ago now, and my heart still aches for him.

Then on Friday of this same week, we had to say good-bye to our adopted daughter, Hannah, who is 8. We had her come into our lives through foster care over 4 years ago and had adopted her. It's a very long story, but due to her having done many inappropriate things to our two youngest children (acting out the abuse that had happened to her as a little girl while living with her bio mom), we were forced to put her in foster care where our other children could no longer be hurt themeselves. We all love her so much still. And I do believe that after a year now, our children, at least most of them, have come to forgive her for what was done. After a year of therapy though, her therapist and doctors could not assure us that she would never do this again, and said that she would always have to have a bedroom by herself (which with 10 children is hard), never be able to be around babies again, never be able to baby-sit when she was a teen, etc., etc. They recommended that to ensure the other children's safety, that she needs to live in a home with no other children. That left us with no other choices then. How could we still love her and be what she needs, and still be able to always protect our other children, grabdbabies, foster children in our home, and so forth? This is also one of the hardest things that we have had to deal with. And then to have to say one last good-bye to her in the same week that Samuel died...this was too much. Two children in 4 days time... Two children that were very much loved... Two children gone...

Then to top off the losses already we'd encountered, at three weeks almost to the day of losing two of our children, I said good-bye to someone who I'd always considered one of my best friends. This too is a long story, one of which I will not go in to, but suffice it to say, emotionally and mentally I don't feel that I have it in me right now to wait around once again for her to "evaluate and assess our friendship to see if we could still be okay and be friends." Over the years I have been able to wait for her decision when she feels led to do this, but this time...I don't know? One can only apologize and apologize just so many times until you get to a point where you don't know what you are apologizing for anymore. I am too tired and worn down right now for me to figure out when I have done something wrong once again. I don't have the energy emotionally right now to wait and see if I will still measure up. I don't think I ever really did measure up, or ever will, to what she needs in a friend. I was forever messing up somehow or another. You know the old addage, "When it's good, it's great! When it's bad, it's awful." That's what a lot of our friendship was like. I will so much miss her, the good times we did have, the things we had in common, etc., but at this point in my life, I feel I have lost so much in such a short amount of time, that I just can't wait and see any more. I am hurting too much to try to measure up any more. I am so sorry, but I am.

So, though it is only now February of the New Year, I feel that we have had a year's worth of looses already to deal with. By the grace of God, we will see it through, but it will be, only by HIS grace, as I cannot do this on my own.

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