My Mother's Passing

     On this past March 24th, at 8:20 AM, my mom took her last breath and is now in Heaven with the Lord.  I got a call at about 2:00 AM that Monday morning saying she was starting to go, and so I headed out the door to her house.  It was hard because every breath seemed like the last.  However, she hung on till Thursday morning.  Cancer is an awful, horrible, unfair illness that shows no mercy.  It has taken my grandma (my dad's mom), my dad, my uncle (my dad's brother), and now my mother.  I can truly say beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would never wish cancer on even my worst enemy.  We gave her pain meds every 2 hours around the clock and anything else we could give her to make her last days and hours as pain free as possible.  We are thankful for the Hospice nurses that helped us, and whom were there to answer our questions 24/7 any and every time we called.

     To me, it is hard to watch someone die, but especially when it is someone that you care about, but also have built up mixed emotions about from the past.  It leaves you with a quandary of mixed emotions that are now forced to a head before you want or plan to deal with them, and that you have to decide how to deal with.  What does one do with these mixed feelings that you remember like it was yesterday, but are now faced with how to handle it, whether you like it or not.  Death doesn't rear its head at "convenient" times.  No one has "control" over the exact minute that someone is going to die except the Lord Himself.  Not even the Devil himself can decide this.  We get no say whatsoever.  And there is no way that we can make everyone happy about our chose to stay with the one who is dying, or walk away and make it easy to pretend it is not really happening, or can make it happen when we want it to.
     So, this coming Saturday, April 2nd, we will have a memorial service for my mother.  She requested that she be cremated and divided in to 3 for us kids...my brother, sister and I.  This has been done, and now her ashes sit in three cherry wood urns, sitting in our homes.  It's an odd feeling to look over at my china cabinet and know that my mom is in part, sitting there in my living room.  It is still a little hard to grasp this concept for me. 
     Before she left for home Heaven, I believe it was Wednesday when she seemed to rally for a short time, and suddenly wanted to sit up more and started talking.  So I gathered everyone around.  Well she seemed to be wanting to talk to me in particular.  My siblings had long ago made peace with the horrible childhood we had once my parents got divorced.  I was 7 at that time, and my siblings were younger than I was.  After that, well I could write a book on our childhoods!  At any rate, she had allowed me to pray with her, just maybe the week before, so that she was certain she had received Christ as her Savior and would be going to Heaven with our Lord and Savior.  However, she, to what I believe was the best of her ability, tried to make her peace with me, and me with her.  Then, shortly after that short little while, she slipped back in to what was almost a comatose state. I believe that this is the closest I will ever come to an apology, or a "I should have protected you better when you were growing up," or anything else of the sort. So, I am left with the choice, if you will, to decide what God's plan is for me to do with all these mixed emotions I have and how to let go of the pain and the hurt from the past, and move on and use my past as my testimony in a way God would have me to do it.  I don't know what that is yet, and I have not begun to try to decipher what I really feel about everything that has happened these last couple of months since she first broke her hip, had a stroke, then fractured her upper thigh, which left to finding her cancer in her leg as well as her lungs.  It is hard to not be frustrated that the reason she got her cancer was from her smoking (as did my dad and my uncle).  I want to scream and say, "Can't you all see what smoking can do to you?!?!  So what part of it killing people don't you get?!"  BUT, I cannot make someone stop smoking, and I cannot make all those that I love stop smoking.  And I also cannot stop loving them even if they don't.
     So, I am left now to deal with these mixed emotions and feelings I have, and try to sort them out as best as I can.  God will need to pull me by the hand and lead me to what the next step is, because I can't begin to know where to start. 

Saved and Going To Heaven

Yesterday, while Niki (our oldest daughter) and I were visiting with my mom, I asked her if she felt sh we was right with God before the cancer takes her away.  She said, "Well yes, basically, but there was something she couldn't quite put her finger on."  So I asked her if she wanted me to pray with her.  She said, "yes, she would."  So, I said the sinners prayer with her, as she repeated after me...  


"Lord Jesus, I acknowledge that I'm a sinner, and I'm sorry for my sin. Thank You for dying on the Cross for me. Please forgive me of my sin, and accept me as Your child. I desire to live for You, Jesus. Amen." 


Then she promised me that she would hold Samuel (our baby boy who died) for me till I get to Heaven one day, and give him kisses and hugs for me.  It was an answer to a prayer because I really didn't think that there was much chance that I would see her there one day.  Thank you Lord, for the opportunity.   I give the Lord all the praise for opening this door for me, and the courage to take the risk of her saying no, or being ridiculed for "worrying about my OWN salvation and not theirs."  So, God opened the door, and I took the risk for HIM.  :+)  

Amish Friendship Bread

A friend of ours gave us a starter of Amish Friendship Bread.  We havent had it in years, so it was nice to have it again!!!  It's a 10 day process, but oh so good!!!! 

 

Happy Valentines Day

Love your husband... (Taken from A Wise Woman Builds Her House)
http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/search/label/Blessed%20Motherhood 

Remember that he is not perfect, he is not you and thinks differently than you do. He is God's gift to you. Love him in spite of his failings, love him wholeheartedly, extend to him the same measure of love, respect and forgiveness in the strength that has been given to you in Christ Jesus. Do something special for him today. A word of praise or encouragement, a massage, a gift, bake his favorite treat. Most men would die for their women, and we need to love them as our heroes (even when they might feel at their lowest). A noble wife rises up to the occasion to bless her husband with all her heart.

The Cruelty of Cancer

Back in June (2010), my mother broke her hip.  She ended up having a stroke during the surgery.  This required a lot more time in the hospital and then having to go to a nursing home while she did physical therapy.  Then for about the last 2 months, her right leg had been in pain, but no one seemed to know why.  Finally, several days ago, my brother ended up calling 911 because she was in so much pain, and they took her to the hospital.  They found that her right thigh was fractured from her thigh to her knee.  On top of that, they found a 3" mass on her leg.  While during surgery to put a pin in her leg, they biopsied the mass.  It was found to be cancerous.  Well after numerous tests, several CAT scans, & special blood workups, they found that she has cancer, that started in her lungs, and has moved to to her legs now.  She has Stage 4 cancer & non-small traditional carcinoma.  She also has emphysema and hardening of her arteries.  And obviously, it has traveled through her body from her lungs to her legs.  We will meet with several more specialists tomorrow (Monday).  She has smoked for around 40 years now.  Smoking is what caused my father to have cancer, and my uncle Brian (his brother) to have cancer as well.  Watching my dad lie there dying a little more and a little more each day, bleeding from his nose, his mouth...was very hard on all of us (my Aunt, brother, sister and stepmom.)  My dad was in a hospice center for weeks because he was too sick to take care of at home.  My grandma, my dad's mom, also had cancer (though hers was not caused by smoking.)  Now we are faced with decisions of whether it is better to do chemo and/or radiation.  We have many questions to still ask the doctor.  My relationship with my family is not a normal one.  I am so different.  That is just me.  I am the "oddball of the family" you could say.  But you know, it is okay, because God wants me to be different.  I am who I am, and will never really fit in.  But during this time, I have to accept my differences, and we have to do what we can for my mother's care.  We have to put our differences aside and do what we can.  Only God knows how long someone will or won't live.  Only HE has that control.  The doctors can give us their best "estimated guess," but only God can give life and take life away.