It will be 12 weeks ago this coming Tuesday that our baby died. We just received notice today from the hospital where we had our son, that his burial is going to be on the 23rd of this month. I guess the time has come to "officially" say good-bye. I knew the time was coming, but for some reason seeing it set up with the date and time all ready decided, makes it so much more real. This part has been so hard for me...knowing that Samuel has been sitting in the hospital morgue, cold, in the dark, just waiting...and my wanting to hold him one more time...just one more time. I know that his soul is in Heaven, and has been from the time her died, but still, knowing he has still been at the same hospital that he was born in, the same hospital that both of our daughters delivered their babies just weeks after he died...is hard for me.
There are two women who work with my husband who are pregnant and were originally due just a month after I was due to have Samuel. Their tummies are getting so "big" now, and they talk of how their husbands love to play with their stomachs and feel their babies kicking, and they have that "I'm ready and can't wait to have this baby feeling"...and so forth. I would be only 8 weeks away from Samuel's birth if he had not died. We have his pictures hung up in several spots around the house, and someone talks of him still at least once a day. He is still always in my thoughts. Will he be a baby still when I get there? Will he still be a baby and I will continue to grow old? Will he be a man when we all get to Heaven and I won't recognize him? I have so many questions. Right now he is still my baby boy, who I am just sure wants his mommy to hold him, nurse him, and love him. That's what I do know. I have found that I don't remember much of the first week or two after his birth, and death. I seem to be numb and blank when we talk about things that happened during that first week especially. I just realized that I have not even gotten out Thank yous for all the cards, gifts and money that were given to us during this time. I need to do that still. Am I wrong in that I have waited these last few weeks? I don't want to hurt or upset anyone by not thanking them, but I just haven't been able to focus on certain things lately. If you are one of these wonderful people, please forgive my slowness and procrastination in doing so. I promise I will work on them.